This is a continuation of my adventure in Portland. Last week I wrote about how I’ve been stripped of everything that I do that defines who I am. If you haven’t read it, click here.
On that first day of going back to work, all I had was… work, which really made up only about 20% of my life. Everything else, all a sudden became inaccessible to me.
I found myself desperately looking for something to do just to pass the day. My husband didn’t have much problem with it, he has a job that occupied 9 hours out of his day. All a sudden, the urge to just go find a job is stronger than ever.
Money was always a good motivation to go find a job, or stay in a job that I didn’t like. I never thought distraction is an even stronger motivation. I honestly would have become a day laborer for the day just so I don’t have to face this empty space in life!
I questioned: How much of what I do in my daily life was just a distraction to kill time? Do I really LOVE doing all those things?
What would I be doing if I don’t have to think about money, accomplishment, cool factor, and without any other hidden agenda?
I realized with everything that I’ve been doing, there’s always an agenda hidden behind them. The minute I think about pottery, my mind jumped to how do I sell them. The minute I think about yoga, my mind jumped to how to get private clients. The minute I think about climbing, my mind jumped to how cool it would be to see places other people can’t get to.
But would I still do pottery if I don’t ever sell them? Definitely yes.
Would I still do yoga if I don’t ever become a yoga teacher? Probably yes.
And would I still climb if access to cool places isn’t exclusively mine? Hell yes!
So… are they distractions or do I really love them from the bottom of my heart?
They are both. There’s a really blurred, almost non-existent, fine line.
The line between doing what I love and doing things to distract myself is a matter of judgment.
I love pottery, whether I sell them or not. It becomes a distraction when I get stuck on how to sell them rather than focusing on expressing myself through them. I love yoga, whether I can make money from it or not. It becomes a distraction when I get certified because I want to make money rather than getting certified to deepen my practice. I also love climbing, whether I am cool or uncool doing it. It becomes a distraction when I focus only on the cool stuff and stop enjoying myself.
Those things are what I love and doing them is an expressions of me, as long as I can stop judging the agenda attached to them.
If I can stop judging myself thinking about selling pottery, then I can be free to make pottery however way I like. And that’s what doing what I love really means, to be free to do what I want, even free from my own judgment of what I’m doing. If I am judging myself for having an agenda, that’s not freedom.
Because our mind is so good at making up agenda, it’s going to make something up whether you like it or not. Even if it’s something I truly love to do, that doesn’t mean I would never have an agenda. They can co-exist in harmony. What makes them conflict with each other is the judgment that having an agenda is not good, or it’s wrong. What if having an agenda is just natural, normal, and simply being human.
The key to freedom is to see our infinite soul, and acknowledge our human mind. We can do that by doing what we love, without judging the agenda created by our human mind.
What agenda are you judging? Will you let go of your judgment to set yourself free? Share in the comment below.
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